Holes

Abba, I want to go where you want me to go.

I want to be in,

Both feet in.

You know it.

So why is it so hard?

My heart aches.

A dull, hollow longing that is

Never

Quite

Filled.

Is it you I am aching for?

I know you, Lord.

I know you love me.

I know you are in control.

They’re not just words on a page.

I know them in my heart.

But still, my heart cries

Over a foggy future

And unfinished plans

And dreams that turn to dust.

Are you then not enough?

Am I so selfish, so shallow

That even though I know you, I still want more?

Would the ache abate if I just knew,

Really knew

That your grace is enough?

Am I wrong to long?

To long for a bright future for your service,

For plans seen through,

For God-given dreams fulfilled?

Aren’t those good things?

And the biggest ache is that it all goes wrong

When I follow you, Lord.

This pain is part of jumping in with both feet.

When you see me trying to follow you,

Why does it not work out?

Why does it seem that the dream

Turns to dust?

Why does following you sometimes make my heart ache so desperately,

That I look with longing eyes to the days

When my feet were still dry?

Abba, I feel so small.

I want you.  I long for you.  I ache to know you,

And I do.

Still I long for other things,

Things that are good

But not best.

Where is my faith when I want to go back?

My faith is here.  It is in the pain.

I will not let go.

I will not turn back.

But I cannot hide the hurt.

I have Jesus but I cannot see forward.

I have Jesus but my plans lay in ruins.

I have Jesus but my dreams are unfulfilled.

I have Jesus, and my heart beats painfully

Over the cracks and holes of what I do not have

And long for.

But my faith is here, in the pain, urging me over the holes.

Abba, I want to go where you want me to go.

I want to be in,

Both feet in.

You know it.

But sometimes

It really 

Hurts.

"All this happened to us, though we had not forgotten you or been false to your covenant. Our hearts had not turned back; our feet had not strayed from your path. But you crushed us . . . .  Awake, O Lord! Rise up and help us; redeem us because of your unfailing love."

Psalm 44:17-19, 23, 26