Asking Why

Why?

Why does a little girl get snatched off the streets and suffer a horrible death?
Why do so many countless little girls, and boys, get snatched out of their own beds and suffer living deaths -- the death of their innocence, their childhood, their trust?
Why do so many children suffer beatings and neglect at the hands of the ones who are supposed to protect them and love them most?
Why do good people die -- the ones who love their kids, pay their taxes, and stay faithful to their spouses -- while the monsters live on?
Why do very small babies suffer from devestating diseases and deformities, spending day after day in the hospital, even though thousands around the world are praying fervently for a cure?
Why do North Americans suffer from obesity even while North Africans suffer from starvation?

Why?  Why?  Why?
I'm not asking for a theodicy -- as if God needs defending.
I've heard all the reasons.
God created mankind with free will, and mankind chooses to use his free will to bring evil into the world.
We live in a fallen world and sickness and disease is part of this fallen world.
I get it.  I've heard it all before.  I know it's true.

I certainly don't need a pat answer, and I've heard my share.
God has something better in store, as I watch the dreams for which I have worked so hard dissolve into dust.
God won't give you more than you can bear, as I watch my loved one suffer and wither away.
Just trust God more, as I cling to him with white knuckles and pray with every breath that he holds on to me.
Just pray more, as if every painful heartbeat that screams to heaven isn't enough.
Let go and let God.  Whatever that's supposed to mean as I watch my world turn to ashes.

I'm not even looking for a theological answer.
God is sovereign and he works all things for the good of those he loves, who are called by his name. 
Who knows that God's not going to use this evil for greater good?
God is allowing me to go through this so I can comfort others with the comfort I have received.
God is using this to show that we can't walk alone, that we need others.
He's doing it to draw me closer to him and make me more like Jesus.
I get it.  I've heard it all before.  I know it's true, all true, all good stuff.

But it really doesn't answer why.

Because why isn't about theodicy, or about  theological answers, or especially about pat answers.  It's about heartbreak and tears and hurt so deep it makes every breath painful.  It's about the harsh reality that I live in a broken world that regularly breaks my heart.

I really don't think why is about demanding an explanation at all.  It's about being heard.  It's about having the heartache validated.  It's about admitting that this world -- my world -- my heart is broken, and there is only One who can possibly shore it all up.  It is about throwing myself onto his mercy and begging for his love and his understanding.  It's not asking for an explanation.  It's begging for assurance that he cares, even while I know he does, simply because my heartache is too much for me to carry.  "Abba, do you see?  Do you know how broken my heart is?  Have you indeed seen the misery of your people?  Do you hear them crying out, and are you concerned about their suffering?"  I think that asking why is mostly about hoping it's ok to say that I don't understand and I'm desperately hurt.

I grew up believing it was wrong to ask why.  Now I do it all the time.  Because when I ask why and admit that whatever the situation is, it is way too big for me to handle, he shows up.

Not with an explanation, or a theology lesson, or a pat answer, or a solution.  I rarely get any of that.

He simply shows up.

And that is enough.