Yelling at God

I have a confession to make.
Sometimes I yell at God.

I don't just mean that I politely petition him, or even that I venture to think angry thoughts toward him.  I mean that I yell, out loud, sometimes so loudly that my throat hurts.

God, where are you?  Where are you?  Why does it seem like you just don't care?  Why does it seem like you've totally abandoned me?

I demand things of God.

God, you've got to help me.  You've got to help me!  Do you want me to fail?  Do you want to see me totally destroyed?  Because if you're not going to help me with this, you might as well just kill me!  Why can't I just die now, and get it over and done with?

I don't say these things quietly, or philosophically.  I yell them.  It's ugly, when I yell.  It's raw, and anguished, and filled with hurt and frustration.  Because that's how I feel.

I've been told that it's wrong to yell at God.  It shows a lack of faith, a lack of trust.  I've been told that if anger comes out, it's because there is "bad stuff" inside.  And sometimes that's true.  I'll be the first to admit that there's plenty of "bad stuff" in there that sometimes comes out.  But sometimes I get the idea that there is this expectation that being a Christian means that when bad stuff happens, I'm supposed to maintain a zen-like Buddhist indifference, and smile benignly throughout.  I'm fine, just fine, thanks.

But I'm not feeling really zen-like.  I'm mad.  I'm sad and hurt and angry and confused.  I don't think that those feelings indicate a lack of faith.  I think they demonstrate that I am a living, breathing human being dealing with lots of hard questions.  If you prick me, I will bleed.

I can pretend that the feelings aren't there, but that is a lie, and God knows it.  If I can't be real with God, then with whom can I be real?  If I can't take those feelings to God, then where am I supposed to take them?  If God's not big enough to handle my biggest emotions, doesn't that mean that there are parts of myself that are too big for God?  That's a pretty frightening thought, that things about me could actually be bigger than God.  But I don't believe that my anger or sadness or any of my feelings threaten God in any way.  Nothing about me is ever bigger than he can handle.

So I yell at God, and when the yelling is over, and the tears are spent, I remind myself of the truths that I know so well, and which are always, always a reality in my life:  he is good, and all that comes from his hand is goodness.  He is on the throne, and nothing in my life is taking him by surprise.  He is working all things for my good:  to make me more like Jesus.  I know this with every beat of my heart.  I say to him, "God, I'm not letting go.  I love you, and I'm following you, no matter what.  You are worthy of my worship, no matter what.  No deal breakers.  I'm in it for the long haul." 

I've been told that yelling at God is wrong.  But I think that,  if after I had finished yelling, I wrote down the words I had just yelled, they might sound something like this:

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me for ever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me."  (Psalm 13)

I have a confession to make.

I think yelling at God is actually pretty biblical.  I think he's the one I'm supposed to yell at, because he's the one who is big enough to handle the depth of my emotion.
And I, for one, am glad.