I Feel

Have you ever noticed how language changes?

There was a time when we would say something like this: "I think it's going to rain this afternoon."

Now we say, "I feel like it's going to rain this afternoon."

So what, you say? What does that matter? Perhaps, with regard to the rain, it doesn't matter. Perhaps I notice the thickening clouds and the rising wind, and I infer that rain is coming (thinking). Or perhaps my arthritic knees ache, and I truly do feel like it's going to rain. But with regard to the change in language, it matters a lot. It matters because thinking and feeling are not the same thing, but we have conflated them and it has changed how we view reality. We don't think anymore. We only feel, and we create a "reality" based on our feelings.

I feel like no one loves me.
I feel like God has abandoned me.
I don't feel like God has forgiven me.
I feel like I can't do anything.
I'm sure you can keep going with your own list of "feel likes".

But the truth is that none of that is true.
There are people who love me and who love me deeply, whether or not I feel loved.
God will never abandon me, whether or not I feel abandoned.
I am forgiven, whether or not I feel forgiven.
I can do things, many things, and I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength, whether or not I feel any of it.

Ah, you say, but I don't feel it.

To which I say, So what?

Since when did what I feel become more important than what I know? Since when did my emotions become what dictates reality rather than what is actually true? Since when do my feelings override my thinking?

The fact is that the stuff that runs around inside my head is often simply blatantly untrue. Just because I feel something does not make it fact. I notice this all the time with my horse. My horse feels like the jacket that is lying on the ground is a horse-eating dragon that is waiting to kill him. He feels like the garden hose is a python ready to wrap around his ribs and crush him to death. He feels like the garage door that rattles in the wind is concealing a tiger ready to leap upon him and tear his throat out. But none of what he feels is true, and it is my job, as a rational, mature, thinking human being to help him to navigate the real world, not the world of his feelings. So we don't run away from jackets, because despite how he feels about them, jackets are not dangerous. We don't leap over garden hoses; we step over them sanely, because regardless of how he feels about them, garden hoses are not a threat. We go back to the end of the arena where the garage doors rattle, and we do it again and again and again, because even though he feels afraid, there is no reason to be afraid.

Now, I do not punish my horse for his feelings. I understand them. I understand that he is afraid of (or at least nervous about) jackets and hoses and rattling doors. I don't discount his feelings. I acknowledge them. I might even say to him (though he understands not a word), "Buddy, I know you're afraid of that, but you don't need to be afraid." He may not understand the words, but he understands the tone and the body language. I respect his feelings, but I do not allow his feelings to dictate his reality. Eventually, we will walk past the jacket or the hose or the garage door.

I am really no different from my horse. "I feel like no one loves me" is no different than "I feel like that jacket is going to leap up and eat me." "I feel like God has abandoned me" is no different than "I feel like that door is rattling because a tiger is behind it". "I feel unforgiven" is no different than "I feel like that hose is going to swallow me whole". My feelings do not dictate reality. But here's the difference: my horse is just a dumb animal. He does not possess the ability to think logically. He depends on me to do that for him. But I do have the ability to think. So why don't I?

Why do I think that it is ok to just go with my feelings, because after all, I've felt them? Why am I content to act like a dumb beast? How has it come to be that I act and talk like relying on my feelings is the better option and have stopped talking about what I think and say instead, "I feel like ..."?

My feelings are important. They are a God-given gift. I strongly believe that there are no such things as good and bad feelings, only good-feeling feelings and bad-feeling feelings. I strongly believe that all our feelings can be brought to God. But they must never dictate my reality. They must always be held up to reality, to the light of God's Word, and taken captive to obey Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). Just as I allow my horse to feel afraid of the jacket and do not punish him for it, so will I allow myself to feel afraid and not punish myself for it (or fear that God will punish me for it). But just as I then ask my horse to walk by the jacket, so will I press forward into whatever it is that is making me afraid. Reality controls my fear; my fear does not create reality. Just because I feel something does not make it so. It is my job as a rational, mature, thinking human being to discern feeling from fact, and to move forward into what is real and true, not to flail about in the imagined world of my feelings. I am called to live in truth, not in the contrivances of my wildest fears.

So, sometimes I may feel unloved, but I know in my head that there are many, many people who love me deeply, and I know, above all else, that I am unendingly loved by the God who made heaven and earth, and I know that even in the moments when I do not feel it.

Sometimes I may feel abandoned by God, but his Word tells me that he will never leave me or forsake me, and this is true regardless of how I feel, and knowing this gives me the freedom to cry to him and tell him how hurt I am and how sad I am by the things that I am going through, but I know, regardless, that he is there.

My feelings do not change my reality.

And I think it is going to rain.