But If Not

I have this horse. For years, I have scrimped and scrounged and cut corners in other areas of my life, to pay for him, because I believe that God called me to this ministry.

Now my horse is sick. The reality is that, humanly speaking, a cure is unlikely. Further, I cannot afford long-term medication, or the additional expenses of long-term care inside. I cannot sell him; no one will buy him with this condition, nor can I imagine selling him. I cannot use him the way he is now. I see absolutely no options ahead of me but one: that God heal him.

But what if God doesn't? And what if God doesn't supernaturally provide for me so that I can afford the care he needs? I went into this ministry believing it was God's will. I went into it to serve Him. Part of me wants to throw that in God's face, and tell God he "owes" me, because I've made big sacrifices for this horse and this ministry already.

The reality is that God might not provide for me. And he might not heal my horse.

And. He. Is. Still. Good.

He still loves me more than I can comprehend. He is still worthy of my trust and my worship. He still gives me 10 000 reasons for my heart to bless him, simply because he is God.

There are people for whom Raphi's expenses are chump change. There are people who work in colleges and universities who make more money than I can imagine. Instead, I work at a Christian Bible college which depends almost solely on those generous people for whom Raphi's costs would be chump change, and I my salary is such that Raphi's unexpected expenses feel like an insurmountable obstacle. And yet God calls me to a ministry involving a horse, and allows my horse to get sick. Do I get it? No. Do I like it? No. I've cried buckets about it. Was I wrong in thinking God was calling me to this ministry? I don't believe so. What does it mean if Raphi doesn't get well? The truth is, at this point, I don't know.

But this fact remains, and to it I pray daily that I will hold on with all my strength. He is still God. He is still good. He is still worthy. He still loves me. And I can still trust him, with my horse, and with my heart.

The line from Daniel 3:18 has been very meaningful to me in the last couple of weeks. But if not. "King, our God can save us from your fiery furnace. But if not, we will still not bow down to your golden statue. We have no doubt that God can do this. But even if he does not, it changes nothing. He is still worthy. We can still trust him." God can heal my horse or provide me with the funds I need. He can, and it would be easy for him. But if not, I will not bow to the idol of doubt. I will still follow him.

And it's not about feeling it. Because I don't. I am resolutely holding on to the truth, and reminding myself of it dozens of times a day, as the worry presses in. I am white-knuckling it as the tears stream down my face when I watch my horse fling his head about whenever the sun shines or the wind blows. I am clinging to it desperately as the future remains cloudy.

God doesn't owe me. His love for me has not changed. He has always been good, always been trustworthy, always been faithful.

I would love it if he would hear my supplications and heal my horse. I would be ecstatic. But I will not let his actions in this regard define him, or his love for me.

But if not.

He is still my Lord.

And I won't bow.