Head of the Year

Much as I want to pretend that December 31 and January 1 are ordinary days, just like any other days, I can't. The Jews have it right; there is great significance and holiness to the "head of the year", and though December 31 and January 1 are not the Jewish holy days of Rosh Ha'Shanah, they never fail to inspire in me a sense of reflection, repentence, and awe.

But I do want to pretend this year, because 2014 is a year I'd like to forget. It's been one of the toughest years I've gone through in a long time, marked by loss and regret. And part of what has made it so difficult is that I had anticipated something different. I had begun 2014 with hope and expectancy. I'm not sure what I was hoping for or expecting, but it certainly wasn't a year filled with unexpected challenges or profound losses.

I was hoping for greater confidence in my relationship with God. I was hoping to be able to trust him more easily, to run to him more quickly. Instead, I found myself struggling to hold on to the fact that he loves me at all as I faced one sigificant issue after another, with a whole number of minor issues thrown in between.

I was hoping for a more vibrant prayer life. I don't really know what that was going to look like. I wanted to see more of him. Instead, I found myself struggling to hold on to the fact that he even hears me, as prayers coming from a broken heart seemed to go unheeded. Rather than seeing more of him, I had to hold on with white knuckles to the fact that he would show up at all. 

I was hoping that it would be easier to believe. Shouldn't it, at some point, become easier to believe? Shouldn't it, at some point, stop being such a struggle to have to fight the constant lies? It's not that I doubt. I know to the bottom of the soles of my feet that I am his and he is mine. I always, always come back to the truth, and I have no fear whatosoever that one day I might not. But still, when trouble comes, and it came so very often this year, the lies raise their ugly heads. "Does he really love you? Do you really think he is going to listen to you? Do you really think he even cares what you think? If you ask him for help, he's going to roll his eyes. He's going to tell you how stupid you are. He's going to tell you that it's not worth fixing anyway." I was hoping it would be easier to just believe. Instead, I found myself doing battle with the same old lies.

I was hoping that it would be easier to submit. Why, why, why do I feel the almost overwhelming urge to make everything a fight? Why, when I really do know that he is sovereign and good and has my best interests at heart, do I test and argue and talk back? I know in the end I will submit; I always do. But why, after years and years of walking with my Lord, do I still make it so difficult? I was hoping it would be easier to submit. Instead, I discovered once again that the old nature is not easily put to death.

So I stand at the cusp of a new year this time grieving, confused, bewildered, and weary. I want still to hope for the things I was hoping for last year: to see more of the Lord, to walk in confidence, to look forward with hope and expectation. I want to still hope. They are right and good things to hope for, aren't they? Does God not want me to see more of him? And then I fear that he did show me more of him, but I was too stupid and willlful to see him, too blinded by fears and hurt and sadness to see what should have been obvious. I don't know what the answers are, but I can't give up. I can't, I cannot, I will not settle for the fact that this is just the way it's going to be. I WILL see more of Jesus. I WILL learn to trust him more. I WILL learn to pray with greater fervency, greater awareness that he hears and answers. The truth will rise up sooner and the lies will lose their power faster. And one day, one day I WILL lay down my arms and stop fighting and learn to be at peace with my Lord.

I thought it would happen in 2014. Maybe it did . . . just a little. Maybe I am a step closer. I pray it is so. Will it happen in 2015? I don't dare to imagine what it could look like. I will move ahead, one step at a time. And I will pray that he gives me eyes to see and ears to hear:

"Give me eyes to see when my heart is blind,

That when I ask You'll give, that when I seek I'll find,
Give me ears to hear when my way's confused,
Let the uncertain road, still lead me back to You.

All I ask, all I seek
Is You, is You
All I want, all I need
Is You

Give me melodies in the silence, Lord,
And let the fire be where every song is forged.
Give me faith to trust in Your promises
That You are truly good, that You are all You said You are."

(Meredith Andrews - All I Ask)