When Wings are Clipped

"Those who wait for the Lord will renew their strength.

They will rise up on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint."

But lately, I feel like I'm barely crawling along.

It's not that anything is really wrong, because it's not.  It's the beginning of a new school year, and I'm glad about that.  I still love my job.  I love going out and hanging with my horse.  I love coming home to a dog who beats me with her tail because she's so glad to see me.  I have friends and family.  Indeed, I am richly blessed.  It's not that anything is really wrong.

It's just that God feels absent.

And I miss him.

Dreadfully.

Now, don't start lecturing me about how God is never absent from his children, how he never leaves us or forsakes us.   I know that.  I didn't say that God is absent, only that he feels absent.  I know he's as present with me now as he has ever been.  I know he still loves me.  I know he still cares.  I know that as much as I know anything, and maybe more.  My faith is not wavering.

And please, please don't give me the line that if God feels absent it's not because he's moved but because I have.  That line is just cruel.  It's cruel because it sounds like it might be true, but it isn't.  I have spent hours searching my soul, and while I know that there is much in that soul that, on a daily basis, does not line up with Jesus' way, I also know that the heart of my soul longs for the things of the Lord and anguishes over those things in my life that aren't of him.  No, he hasn't moved, but neither have I.  I still love him, still pray, still spend time in the Word, still seek to serve him, still want to follow his heart.

Yet, he feels absent.

And I miss him.

Dreadfully.

The missing of him weighs on my bones with a wearying intensity that startles me sometimes.  Rise up on wings like eagles?  Run?  Walk?  I feel like my feet are so heavy I can barely lift them to gain a painful shuffle forward.

And please don't assume I'm depressed.  I'm pretty sure I'm not.  There are many things that I enjoy, many reasons to get up in the morning, satisfying things to fill my day and to put me to sleep at night.  I don't feel depressed.  I just feel like God is absent.  And I miss him dreadfully.

So what do I do?

I'm tempted to spend endless hours in introspection, finding some way to blame myself for the state of affairs, so that I can then correct what's wrong and restore the feeling of God's presence.  I want to dredge up every possible sin I've ever committed and somehow make atonement for it, thereby forcing God to show himself.  But while there is great benefit in taking inventory and making amends, doing it for the purpose of earning God's favour falls dangerously close to salvation by works.  The fact is, my sins are fully atoned, and I am resting in that and trusting in it, and this yawning emptiness is not a result of unforgiven sin.  So I won't do that.

I'm tempted to run around endlessly trying to find something to fill the emptiness.  Maybe I need to try something different, have a new experience, explore a new theology -- something that will feel exciting and fresh.  But that sounds an awful lot like abandoning the known springs of living water to dig cisterns of my own, and that's always dangerous.  So I''ll hold tight to what has been tested and true.

I'm tempted to despair.  Maybe it's not just that I feel like God has abandoned me, but that he actually has.  No, no, that's all wrong.  I know that I know that I know that God is True, and his love is steadfast.  So I will remind myself of that truth every 30 seconds if I need to, to fight off any despair.

I'm tempted to tell myself that it's nonsense, that I shouldn't feel this way, that I don't really feel like God is absent, that I shouldn't feel this way.  I am tempted to distract myself from the feeling by working extra hard, playing extra hard, living extra hard.  But that is living a lie.  The feeling is real.  The feeling does not reflect reality, but it is a real feeling, and pretending I don't feel that way is to simply don a mask.  I won't do that either.  No, I will try to find the balance between respecting the feeling but not allowing it to rule me.

So what will I do?

I will carry on.  I will bring my feelings to God.  I will acknowledge them and feel them and grieve them.  I feel like God is absent, and I miss him dreadfully, and it is breaking my  heart.  It is just a feeling, but I will sit with that feeling in the presence of a God who feels absent but is not, until such time as he shows himself again. Why am I feeling like that?  I don't know.  I'm not sure it matters.  It's part of the ebb and flow of life.
 
I won't hide.
I won't cut and run. 
I won't wallow or feel guilty.

I will do the hardest thing of all:  I will wait.  Today, I may be crawling, but I will wait.

I will wait for the Lord, and he will renew my strength.

I will mount up on wings like eagles.

I will run and not grow weary.

I will walk and not be faint.