It's Hard . . .

Sometimes, the world crashes in.

I get up in the morning, and the sun still rises, and the birds still sing, and there are still people are counting on me, but my heart is in ruins.

It's in moments like these that I become acutely aware that what I see and what others see in me don't always match.

I fill my car with gas.  I smile and chat with the gas station attendant.  She has no idea that my heart is in ruins.  It's not hers to know.

I go to work.  I have a job to do.  I am professional and pleasant.  The guests on our campus see someone who is competent and confident.  They have no idea that my heart is in ruins.  It is not theirs to know.  They are here to evaluate our school, not to deal with my ruined heart.

And so it goes.  On the outside, life carries on.  On the inside, it has ground to a throbbing halt.

It's hard.

I feel like a liar, a faker.  People think I have answers when I have none at all.  All I have is a heart full of questions.  Why?  Why?  Why?  A great lump of unshed tears sits in the centre of my chest.  People think I am strong when I am not strong at all.  All I want is for someone strong to put strong arms around me while I cry my eyes out.

No, I am not strong.  I am not brave.  I have no answers.  I'm hurt.  I'm a confused, angry, sad, bewildered, aching, frightened, uncertain, stumbling fool with a heart full of tears  in a life that has seen more than its share of tears already, if there is any such rating.  I'm a frightened kid wishing for a dad who would hug me and hold me and tell me it's going to be ok.  I feel ugly and shabby and weak, bleeding from a dozen wounds life has inflicted upon me, covered with scars from old wounds, wondering where in the world God can be in all of this.

But he's there.

Somehow, he's there.  When I feel my ugliest, he is there.  When I feel my smallest, he is there.  When the rest of the world sees only the outside, he sees the inside, and he loves me.

It's hard.

It feels impossible.

But he loves me still.

And my Daddy puts strong arms around me and lets me cry my eyes out.  So I'm going to lean in to him.  My ruined heart is his to know.

"It's hard for me to believe I could be lovely in your eyes

That I'm really the one you want.

It's hard for me to believe you would want me by your side,

That I'm really the one you want,

I'm really the one you want.

I wish my stumbling finally would end

But I need your mercy once again.

I've shed these tears so many times

Still you pick me up and hold me tight.

And you love me, you love me, you love me still.

You love me, you love me, and you always will.

I'm really the one you want."  

(Todd Agnew -- The One You Want)